10 Secrets You Should Probably Keep From Your Partner

If the moment’s right, there’s literally nothing you can’t tell your guy. That’s the power of love. But—it gets a little bit tricky here—for some personal revelations, the timing is just never right. Like, ever. So while they’re not truly secrets, you’re totally off the hook on saying them. (And come on, you wouldn’t really want to hear these things either.) Here are a dozen things you’re better off keeping to yourself:

His best friend is hot.
We know our friend is attractive. For years, every time we went out, he’d be the one scoring all the numbers. And that’s totally cool—we got you! But we’d like to think that this one girl—that’s you—isn’t like those girls. We want you to be the girl who’s more interested in us.

You stalked his ex on Facebook.
We already assume you did. (We stalked yours, too.) We just don’t need to hear about it.

The best sex you’ve ever had.
If it wasn’t with him, keep your trap shut.

The sex you wish you would have had.
You spent years shooting down the advances of some theater nerd in high school, and then he went on to become a famous actor. Now he has a real entourage and bodyguards and Emmies and a pet tiger. Wonder what life would have been like if you’d taken him more seriously? Well—wonder to yourself, please.

His isn’t the biggest penis you’ve ever seen.
Even if you once dated a guy who wore custom pants to accommodate his giant bulge, we don’t want to know about it. We prefer to think of all your past boyfriends as Ken dolls.

You hate his favorite T-shirt.

Every guy has some old threadbare shirt that he can’t toss out. For one reason or another, it’s sentimental. He bought it on some vacation with his buddies, or it was a hand-me-down from his big brother. Either way, just let him enjoy it. It’s a small sacrifice.

You hate his best friend.
Unless you have a damn good reason, this probably won’t end well.

You hate his parents.
Unless he hates them, too. Again, this is volatile territory here.

Some guy hit on you, and you didn’t give him your number.

Basically it sounds like you want credit for not cheating on us. Yeah, we appreciate it, but isn’t that the bare minimum for being in a relationship? Are you looking for a thanks? Trying to make us jealous? Why is this a story?

What you’re about to do in bed.
Unless you need us to sign off on something really strange and new, just surprise us. It’s better that way.

You faked an orgasm.
Take it to your grave, ladies. Come on, faking it doesn’t help anyone, so just be honest with the guy instead of doing it in the first place.